Always the bystander, never the subject of the event. I'm always the one standing on the side, wallowing in envy, never doing anything about it. It kills me every single day knowing that I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life. I know no one ever reads my livejournal's, but I like to post them on here just in case someone gets bored and wants some insight on my mind. I always laugh when people say "everyday before someone goes to sleep, someone think of you" because I know no one thinks of me when they go to sleep, and I accept that. I've finally realized that I don't mean much to people, maybe as a friend, but nothing more. It's funny actually, I always thought to myself "you know, today may be my day, everyone has their days" but not everyone does. You've seen people, teachers, doctors, police, every type of person, who had never loved or been loved. I am almost positive that's what I'll be like when I'm older. I dwell on people too much; dwell on emotional thought of people, that I don't realize that people don't like that. No one wants someone who is going to be distracted by other people too much. I can hardly have a conversation with someone without thinking of someone else, and I get so distracted. It's sad to know the places I'm happiest is in my day dreams and fantasies. I want nothing more in life than to have someone I can fall asleep with, and love and be loved by, but I have in inevitable feeling that that will just skip over me, and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. If you're still reading, I love you. I know I'm young, but that doesn't void all feelings I feel. I'm very aware of my surroundings, and I'm very sure of how I feel about people. I think that's because I'm around so many older people, that I've matured faster than other 14 year old's. Nothing seems important to me anymore, besides one thing, but I need to let that go. I need to let go of something I never had, and most likely never will. Writing that brought me to tears, because I know how true it is, and it hurts. I don't want to let go, but I have to. I need to straighten out my priorities. I need to move on. Who am I kidding, I won't, not anytime soon. This is ripping me apart, and I'm not losing anything, but in a way I am. I'm loosing all hope of this. No one knows to what extent this is. No one understands how strong my feeling are. I've been in a zombie like state for months now, laughing when it seems necessary, speaking when appropriate. I want to break out of this slump. I want nothing more than to see you happy, but it's killing me. I'm so jealous of other people, it's making is worse. I'm really scared to see you with them, because I know I'll freak out. I'm not a very stable person, I breakdown easily. I really wish I could tell you exactly how I feel, but I can't. I'm too scared to judgment. I know you'd think I was stupid, so I just don't tell you. You know I like you, a lot, so I know you at least know the beginning of it. No one has ever witnessed me at my worst, and I'm glad, I never want to visit then again. There's a lot that people don't know about me, besides Summer. If you're still reading, I love you more. I can barely see the screen, my eyes are really watery. I haven't really cried in so long, it feels nice on my eyes. I like crying, but at the same time, I don't. I really with I had a natural talent in something, or at least I wish I was really pretty or something. It seems I got the shitty end of the DNA stick. I can't see enough to see what I'm typing, so I'm going to stop now.
if you seriously read that entire thing, you mean more to me than a lot of people.
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